Somebody That I Used To Know

I ordered this book from the library in The Time Before, when I didn’t own any fabric facemasks and have a preferred brand of hand sanitiser. I knew the basic plot because I’d  listened to the Bad On Paper podcast review of it, and I figured it would be an easy read.

It isn’t a stand out book for me. I enjoyed it, but not the few glaring typos and slightly forced dialogue. It did, however, stir some not too pleasant memories of about ten years ago. Friendships can be complicated for me, and I don’t make friends terribly easily. I really value the few precious friendships I’ve managed to hold onto over the years.

The slightly toxic dynamic of the three main characters rang true for me. I’ve had that sort of intense friendship, the kind of closeness that means you’re texting each other several times daily and staying too late at wine bars sharing things you’ll never tell anyone else. And even if you don’t know it at the time, that friendship won’t last no matter how many glasses of red you’ve consumed with each other or how many expressions of delight at the friendship are slurred over the months and years.

Losing a friendship suddenly and without warning felt like a bereavement to me at the time, but it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about with anyone. I felt embarrassed by being dropped, and unsure of how as an adult I could feel such sorrow about something that seems to happen to virtually everyone. Deep down, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was going through this upsetting thing and I only broached the topic with other friends years later.

Reading How Could She? made me rethink How Could She in my own life, and I processed a few years worth of memories over a few days. When almost a decade has passed since I could have called her a friend, I have some clarity even if I don’t have closure. The friendship wasn’t without its flaws and irritations. I gave a lot, and I’m not quite sure this was reciprocated. I can’t have been that valuable when I could be dropped so quickly and comprehensively. I can admit that this time of life upset me terribly, probably more than I let myself understand.

I still wonder what happened to her, now that she’s just somebody that I used to know. I’ve thought about writing about this for a long time, and whether it would be good for me. I’m able to admit how embarrassed I am by this episode and that I still mull over questions like How Could She, while being able to understand that some people are friends and are in your life for a time for a reason and that it’s okay for people to be Somebody That You Used To Know.

Tiny Sparks of Joy.

A Saturday dinner, just the two of us. We cooked together and talked. Bliss.

Making plans, and having the time (fingers crossed) to see them through.

A science kit for €5 from the local charity shop that kept the Mini Orchids engaged for days.

Sunny days and catching up on laundry, including a long overdue couch cover wash.

Books ordered from the library before The Great Covid lockdown. One is okay, the other is better. Either way, I love reading something new.

Pandemic Resolution

(I am fully aware I’m having an easy pandemic and there are far more important things in the world I could be writing about right now, but for my own mental well-being and sanity I need a bit of harmless frippery right now.)

Some time ago, I cheerfully wrote about the things I don’t buy anymore, and I have to hold my hands up and say some parts of this went completely out the window over the past couple of months. I didn’t go overboard (in my head at least) but I did order two of the exact same beauty bags from Marks and Spencer in a moment of weakness.

I had a spare half an hour (the joys of working from home, with no commute and the ability to tackle a small job in between paid tasks) this week to do something I had great intentions of doing the first week of lockdown, organise all my skin stuff into one place. I had dribs and drabs of old advent calendars, gifts, samples and partly used bottles and tubes in various places. No more! Everything is now in this oddly shaped canvas box that I had forgotten I had until I rounded up all of the beauty supplies in my bedroom.

My friend added me to a skincare group and I’m addled with recommendations, so I have, as Marjorie would implore, taken myself FIRMLY in hand and I am going to use up ALL OF THESE THINGS, every single drop and drip, before I buy another thing. I’ve been lathering on a vegan face cream from one of the two identical beauty bags, I’ve been throwing various lotions and potions on before bed and I’m currently enjoying the scent of the almond hand cream I forget I had.

This is not an inspirational resolution and I will be changing no lives forever, including my own, if and when I see it through, but it has sparked a bit of joy in a week with few bright spots and that’s good enough for me right now.

Four Months Later

When I left work in the middle of March on the very day it was announced schools, alongside almost everything else do do with “normal” life were closing, I still didn’t expect life to tilt so suddenly and completely. I’ve had a privileged and sheltered life thus far. No great hardships have ever darkened my door and I consider myself to have been very, very lucky.

We haven’t suffered a lot since March. We’ve had to adapt to life, like everyone else. I’d never done my grocery shopping online and we got a takeway so rarely I can’t remember the last one we had before this phase of our lives. I ordered facemasks for all of us, thinking even as I placed the order that this was a bit of a waste of money because we probably wouldn’t even use them.

I bought fancy hand sanitiser because the cheap stuff couldn’t be found in any shops. I bought cheap hand sanitiser when it was available again, and then realised I had been spoiled by the fancy stuff.

I haven’t been on a train, bus or Luas since the day I left the office in March. We stuck grimly to the 2 km rule, then the 5 km rule and then the rule about travelling only within our county. We resigned ourselves to cancelling family lunches in restaurants and then cancelling our family holiday.

We got used to home being work and work being home and everything being not quite as good as usual. I learned what SeeSaw was, and was secretly pleased at my children’s small acts of rebellion when some of the work really wasn’t something that they wanted to do.

Standards in our household dropped dramatically. We’re all wearing clothes that are a little bit worn, a little bit stained and a little best past their best. For the first time in my life, I don’t really care. I let my nails go au naturale. I didn’t wear makeup for weeks at a time. The house never really felt clean and tidy because we were all here, all of the time, doing all of the things (work, school, socialising) here without respite.

I know I’ll look back on some of this with rose tinted glasses, the way I look back fondly on other aspects of my life that weren’t particularly pleasant at the time. I know I’ll regret not “making the most” of this time. I should have started couch to 5k sooner/done more decluttering/organised some cupboards/written some more meaningful stuff/made Eldest Orchid keep up with her diary etc, etc etc.

But on reflection, we’ve been lucky and me and my family remember nothing else from this time I hope its that we are lucky and many haven’t been so lucky. And that wearing a mask and applying hand sanitiser 2,359 times a day once we leave the house are pretty comfortable problems to have right now.

Unwinding.

We had a good weekend. For the first time since March, we went out for lunch as a family. And it was delicious. I ate half of my burger before I realised I wanted to document the moment. The three bellinis I drank with it were also very, very good. We also did a small bit of necessary shopping, hit two playgrounds and went to the National Gallery. Life felt almost normal, apart from the masks.

I packaged up books I don’t need, and they’re ready for new homes thanks to my Chalet School Facebook group. Nightdresses and a bottle are off to people who need them. Our double buggy has gone. Clothes we don’t need or have worn out have been donated and recycled.

I’ve baked bread and reorganised our cupboards so I don’t keep buying the same jars of passata every week. I know now we don’t need any more tins of coconut milk. We’re using up the contents of the freezer I stocked in anticipation of shopping difficulties at the start of all this.

My gym has closed down for good. I miss it, but I started couch to 5 k yet again. I’m on week four and I ran in the rain and listened to a podcast. I wish I’d done this back in March, but better late than never.

The fog is lifting a bit. I hope this lasts.

Tiny Sparks of Joy

Home baking, this week’s efforts include focaccia and carrot bread.

A tiny new arrival.

Having a manicure and a pedicure for the first time since March. I’ve had time during lockdown to consider my priorities. And I’m happy to support a small local business and have some pampering every three weeks.

Working from home.

Sending off ever more baby stuff to new homes. A bath, nightdresses, a double buggy and other assorted stuff we no longer need have gone. And knowing that we have no pangs of regret about letting go of any of it.