How it started, how its going…..

• 

• 

I had completely forgotten we had a bank holiday weekend this past weekend, so the bonus Monday off work was most welcome. We had no plans because we have nowhere to go. No visits to the family, no meals out, no day trips, nothing. Level 5 has the one advantage of FOMO being a thing of the past.

I woke up on Sunday and took a notion to clear out what’s my least favourite room. The playroom. I call it the playroom but it reality it functions mainly as toy and book storage. The toys get mixed up, there is LEGO everywhere, the books get shoved any old way onto the bookshelf and the less said about the ‘art box’ the better.

Knowing my children and myself, I made the executive decision not to make the children help. I’m not terribly goal oriented right now but I wanted this job done fast without much stress and I knew from bitter past experience that having the children involved wouldn’t be good for any of us. I put the two extra leaves in our well loved dining table and emptied the shelves.

Because I had free reign over this project I was RUTHLESS. Toys I thought they’d like but never used were put aside for new homes. Puzzles with missing pieces went straight to recycling. The piles of bits that annoy me beyond measure were binned. Books were sorted. Shelves were scrubbed. The children dipped in and out of the process. We stopped for a late fry up. I got back to work. Floors were hoovered, walls were wiped and things were put back neatly.

I let them keep some stuff I’d have tossed but which they expressed newfound enthusiasm for once they were uncovered from the piles. I reconciled myself to the money we wasted on some of this stuff. I resolved not to buy so much and then told myself even if the last thing I think they need is more LEGO, that’s what they love so why not.

The day ended with our wedding wine. Not the literal wine we had on the day we had our second wedding, but the same brand and grape. I love this wine. It has a screwtop so when you’re wrecked after a day of tidying, suppressed rage and cleaning endorphins you don’t need to hunt up a corkscrew. The playroom is still relatively tidy and still extremely clean. The toys are getting played with and the books are being read.

It started with a mess. It ended with reflections on life since we got married. The messes are good in many ways. I think we’d rather have them than not. Especially now.

Shrinking Feelings

• 

  Photo by GEORGE DESIPRIS on Pexels.com

We have six weeks of level five. We had reduced our circles anyway, but now we’ve no choice but to hunker down. I’ve done some panicked Christmas shopping and sent a package to a friend with a new baby. I’m trying to buy from Irish companies where possible. It’s hard to ignore the lure of Amazon but I’m quietly pleased that so far this year I haven’t bought anything from that particular behemoth.

A friend shared some captions on Instagram. They said, in effect, that this feeling of fuzziness and a lack of creativity is normal, because our brains are using pretty much all their energy just getting through this. I’ve felt deeply lazy in recent weeks. I want to write, but there’s nothing to write about. And often what I’m writing in a quiet personal project is a list of complaints and whinging that no one would want to read.

I’m so easily distracted these days. I know part of the reason is the obsessive scrolling that definitely isn’t good for my brain. But the other reasons for it are things I don’t want to acknowledge, and what’s going on right now is somehow too big and too personal to grasp. I have so much time to think, and I can’t let myself think too much right now.

Even this post is rambling. I’d rather write it than not though.

Tiny Sparks of Joy

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

It was a good weekend.

There was pumpkin carving, date night, sambuca, popcorn and baking.

There was a lot of wondering what will happen.

There was some panic shopping (me) and some Halloween films (all of us).

There was resignation.

There was gritting of teeth and girding of loins.

Level Crossing

I can’t keep up with what’s happening. The world expands a little, and then shrinks again, and every day feels similar. There’s no end, just a middle that goes on and on. I feel glad we’re doing ok, then guilty for not getting on with all the things I imagined myself doing if I had to stay in place for months, and then I feel tired and foggy and give up on planning anything.

Things start, and then they stop. Then they might restart, but we can’t be sure. We’re analysing every twinge and clearing of the throat. We throw a little bit of a caution to the wind, and feel a little bad about this but not bad enough to stop.

I’m looking forward to things, and then telling myself why bother. It all feels like so much effort. I can make myself feel upbeat, for a little while at least, and then the mist descends and I’m back to crawling through the days. And I know this is self indulgent wallowing, but it feels good to write down some of the treacle that’s clogging up my brain right now.

It’s all just a bit shit right now.