I haven’t been able to write lately. I’m in a fog. I have no coherent thoughts to express. I’m feeling lazy, selfish and stupid. I’m trying to appreciate how lucky I am. It annoys me that I don’t. We’ve had an ok month. Delicious food, happy moments, ticking jobs off the to-do list (see the first photo, we finally have some beautiful planters outside our house).
I’ve had a lot of down moments. I feel guilty that I haven’t done enough homeschooling. I could have done more, if I didn’t hate SeeSaw so much. And when I have these thoughts I feel angry with myself for not appreciating how much work the children’s teachers have put into trying to maintain some semblance of normality for them. I cried when I went to pick up happy meals from McDonald’s yesterday. The children get them as a treat every year on the last day of school. This little normal thing loomed large when I drove by all the bus shelters with ads about covid 19.
Work is hard. I have to listen to things I would rather not have to think about. And then I finish work and I don’t have my commute to decompress. And I then I remind myself how lucky I am that my income hasn’t dropped and I have a secure job that remains unaffected in many ways.
We were supposed to be in France right now. And I resent my feelings of resentfulness about not being there. I finished my last bottle of Crement De Loire last week. We’re probably drinking a little too much and I’m definitely eating too much, but I don’t actually care right now. I’m telling myself if we were on holidays we’d be eating and drinking what we want.
My gym won’t reopen. I miss the classes and I feel awful for the staff. I’m doing couch to 5k in an attempt to get back on the exercise wagon. I’ve done ballet classes, following a lovely ballerina’s videos on YouTube.
I know this is a big long rambling rant and there are loads of things I have to care about and even more I should care about but I’m taking a wee bit of time to wallow and I already feel better having written some of this down instead of constantly letting these thoughts swirl around in my over caffeinated brain.